Dear Tee Lin Say,
Firstly let me thank you for your very insightful article on health and fitness and how unbeneficial being overweight is. Your article truly opened my eyes to understand the reasons why I am the way I am today. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you for the enlightenment you gave.
Oh where are my manners. Let me first introduce myself.
I am one of those fat bastards you hate so much. Yes, one of those people that take up too much space in that it makes some of you uncomfortable. So uncomfortable in fact that we are often frowned upon when we walk down the aisle in a plane, with everyone else wishing that we do not sit next to them.
The same also applies in buses and trains. Fret not, I always opt to not sit in buses and trains. I also try to make sure that I get the single seater in express buses and sit alone in plane rides. Apologies on behalf of my kind for taking so much space and giving you the agony of having to sit next to an overheated blob of a human.
We are very sorry.
But again I would like to express my most sincere thanks for your enlightening article. After more than twenty years of being a tub of lard (apologies for this particular not-so-syariah-compliant idiom) only now do I realize the truth behind the many trials and tribulations I faced while growing up, and somehow have to deal with until today.
All through primary school and sadly through secondary school as well, I have been teased constantly for my chubby features, some starting from the most simple call of ‘oi gemuk’ to those far more complicated ones that attempt to compare me to a ‘badak’ (though I clearly have no visible horn on my nose, nor a thick skin).
I had never been able to understand why was I always picked last during Pendidikan Jasmani lessons to chase a ball across a field for two whole periods. I always thought it was because I was so awesome at football that the others fear my lightning skills at manipulating the ball with my foot. Little did I know that it was because I was heavy and slow. Thank you for finally putting the last piece of the jigsaw in this puzzle of my own confusion.
In my secondary school days, I have also always been picked on for supposedly having a rather wide hindquarter, a symptom commonly known in your community as having a big-ass butt. This is in addition to the other pig-like symptom of not having a neck.
Oh by the way, do you know why muslims consider pork haraam? Apparently because you need to slaughter animals before you eat them, and pigs as you may very well know do not have necks. But of course this is a joke lah. Don’t take it seriously.
Back to being a tub of lard.
I would to profusely express my deepest gratitude for finally making me realize that such physical condition of being whale-like is the reason why I was being picked on and no one seems to be friendly with me. The girls, especially. I always thought it was because I was so stupid and came from an all boy primary school.
Little that I know that it was actually because I was a hundred kilos too fat to qualify as a human being capable of loving or being loved. Thank you again for putting this into perspective.
I know that being fat is dangerous for my health. Let me assure you that most of us heffalumps are trying very hard to become like one of you guys, all slim and muscular and sexy and desirable. I trust you have seen how some of us try to jog during weekends, or resort to eating ‘healthy’ whilst taking supplements that claim to intesify fat burning and increase metabolism. This is in addition to applying tubs of those ‘krim halia pelansing’ that Nora Danish tries to sell using her beautiful figure.
For your information also, most of us (me included) are trying very hard to please your kind by eating less during the holy month of Ramadan. But trust me, with all the majlis buka puasa and the various buffet at hotels and variety of food at the Pasar Ramadan, this is very hard to accomplish.
But again I would like to thank you for such a motivational article, that while very depressing, is a great wake up call to us fat folks. I promise you, in some point in the future; I will be slim and pleasing to the eyes; with six pack and all.
However, I would love to also point out to you that your analysis is rather flawed.
You see, fat and ugly as we may be; we are actually very adorable and powerful.
Let us take Winnie the Pooh as a simple example. Would you ever buy non-cuddly Pooh soft toy, would it be comforting enough if Pooh was shaped like a stick? Hell no. Pooh is by far the most adorable thing in the entire world. Being stuck in the honey tree made no difference to how Pooh affected capitalists everywhere to start selling his jovial face and rotund tummy; making millions of dollars in sheer profit.
And let us not forget the self styled First Lady of Malaysia. That there is the epitome of power. Words can’t even describe the massive influence she commands with a slight disapproving facial expression. So vast is her power, it’s explosive!
That being said, I will end here by saying thank you again for the article. You have succesfully made me remember why I hate The Star so much.
Apologies again on behalf of fat people who take up so much space. Maybe sometime in the future, we will get our own postcode. You know, because we’re so fat.
The Mamu Rises