BERSIH 2.0: The Most Evil Coalition

The headlines this week and the last were dominated by the Coalition For Clean & Fair Elections or better known as ‘BERSIH 2.0’. Unless you have been living under a rock in Timbuktu, you should know by now that come 9 July 2011 there will be a rally organised by BERSIH to demand for electoral reforms.

You would have thought – ah, electoral reforms! A harmless enough cause, no? But if the authorities are to be believed, BERSIH’s motives are far more sinister. In fact, it would seem that BERSIH is not just sinister but is an organisation as evil as the Ku Klux Klan, Death Eaters and The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants from X-Men.

Now at this point in time, we have yet to see an iota of evidence of BERSIH’s evil intentions, which probably includes taking over the world. But our ever vigilant authorities will not sit idly by and let them have a free reign to take over the world. In order to protect our beloved country, they have begun a crackdown on all things yellow.

Thus, unassuming youths wearing yellow shirts are rounded up. Then, members of Parti Sosialis Malaysia (PSM), who actually prefer red, are also caught. We were then told that PSM wants to revive communist ideology in Malaysia and intends to wage war on the Yang di-Pertuan Agong. As proof of that, the authorities showed us some tee shirts purportedly seized, amongst them are those with Che Guevara’s face on them.

If Che Guevara is proof of communist tendencies, then places like Uptown and other pasar malam around the country are full of those who want to use the hammer and the sickle. Che Guevara tee shirts are freely available for purchase in those places in an ironic exercise of capitalism. As far as I know, the South American revolutionary is a pop culture symbol of youth rebellion, perhaps of socialism, but never of communism. Actually, I do wonder if the authorities realise that socialism is different from communism. Maybe they are confused with the redness abound.

Communists, check. But if communism was BERSIH’s only sin, it would not nearly be evil enough. To be truly evil, you would need the bogeymen of 2010 and 2011 – Christians. True enough, a local daily made an outrageous (and admittedly, unsubstantiated) claim that BERSIH is funded by Christian NGOs overseas. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the godless Communists and the god-fearing Christians are working hand in hand! Their aim? Probably to establish a communist republic that believes in the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

How dare these Christians! After their failure to turn Malaysia into a Christian state, installing a Christian PM and confusing easily-confused Malay-Muslims with the al-Kitab, they now want to take over Malaysia through street protests. I’m waiting for someone to suggest that we round them up and force them to wear a cross on their clothes to identify them, like how the Jews were forced to wear the Star of David in the early days of Nazi Germany.

Jews! Surely, there is some Jewish connection in BERSIH to make it well and truly evil. The triumvirate must be completed; Communists, Christians and Jews. True enough, a so-called Malay-Muslim NGO had prior to the madness alleged that BERSIH leader, Ambiga Sreenevasan is a Jewish agent. Again, no proof to back these claims, but they did burn her images in a totally peaceful display of arson.

I’m sure the list of BERSIH backers is not exhaustive. I’m sure in the coming days we’ll discover that Voldemort, Sauron, Justin Bieber and Laa-Laa the yellow Teletubby are also part of this evil organisation.

Now that BERSIH’s evil-ness has been established, we must know what they intend to do.

According to reports, it seems that they want to overthrow the Government through street demonstrations. I’m still trying to find information on this on the web, because it does not make sense to overthrow the Government in the middle of Kuala Lumpur when the seat of government is in Putrajaya, but I’m sure the authorities know what they’re talking about.

Perhaps these BERSIH people want to camp out and make downtown Kuala Lumpur a Tahrir Square, but the organisers better tell the people who are going to attend to pack some provisions and bring sleeping bags. As far as I know, those who are going to attend the rally are not bringing an extra pair of underwear, even.

But thank heavens we have the silat practitioners! More than 50,000 silat practitioners are reportedly prepared to be the third line of defence after the police and the military, and wage war on BERSIH if they proceed with their sinister plans. I’m so relieved that we have our very own self-appointed Schutzstaffel to protect us.

Talking about rallies, I read that two other groups also intend to descend on Kuala Lumpur and counter BERSIH on 9 July in a ‘Patriots Rally’. One is the Malay-Muslim NGO, PERKASA, led by a self-proclaimed war general blessed with eloquent English. The other is by UMNO Youth and the lesser known Kelab Putra 1Malaysia. Think of them as S.H.I.E.L.D. and BERSIH as Hydra, if you are a Marvel comics fan.

Now despite their insistence that they will proceed with their respective rallies, so far they have been free from any interference by the authorities. In fact, no one seems to be particularly concerned with their planned rallies, no one asked them to protest in a stadium and no one questioned if their rallies will affect the livelihood of traders on 9 July 2011.

Taxi driver associations did not have a banner to protest against their rallies. Two of BERSIH’s more veracious critics on Twitter, a Member of Parliament and a person who probably wants to be a Member of Parliament or at least an ADUN, both of whom frequently urged that BERSIH take their grievances to a stadium seem to have nothing to say about the other two planned rallies.

There is only one conclusion I can draw from this perceived hypocrisy and double standards – because BERSIH is evil and the other two are good and virtuous.

That is why we must allow the crackdown on this most evil of organisations and their vilest of plots!