Not getting enough sex? Don’t worry, the government will sort you out!


When the opposition formed the newly elected government, it had to tackle the plethora of problems left behind by its predecessor. This was no easy task, and the people who voted them in did so because they wanted change, and they expected to see this change happen immediately. Of course, this was near enough impossible, given the extent of the damage, but the new Prime Minister was a wise man, and looked to other jurisdictions for inspiration on how he could buy himself more time to prove his worth to the people.

A study conducted by the ever reliable Hyvää Joulua Institute in Finland had proven that countries who implemented more successful policy decisions were those whose governments had been given more time to carefully consider each and every decision to be made. Noting the absence of pressure by the people in these particular countries, the study went one step further to uncover why this was so.

It found that these governments had, soon after they gained power, implemented avenues through which its people could resolve the unhappiness they experienced in their personal lives. Inner peace and happiness led the people of those countries to focus more on their relationships with their loved ones, rather than on the state of the country, albeit for only a short period of time. In other words, by running the country as if everyone was a guest on the Oprah Winfrey Show, these governments effectively created a smoke screen behind which they could work in peace.

The Prime Minister thought this a brilliant idea and commissioned his own research in order to implement something similar in our country. Given the importance of the subject matter, the National University for the Study of Everything (“NUSE”) came back with a voluminous and unprecedented four-page report (as their previous reports  had never exceeded two pages).

The report concluded that as 65% of the population was made up of women, the issues the new government had to tackle were predominantly those that caused much unhappiness to women. The women they had to be concerned with were of course those who were old enough to appreciate and respond to problems within the country, i.e. ranging from puberty till retirement. (Given the almost meteoric rise in the number of old people who did nothing but party hard from retirement until death, this age group could be left out).

The NUSE report found that the main source of unhappiness within women of those ages was heartache brought on by bad men. These findings were largely credible, as they were based on the number of letters written by women to the “Dear Thelma” column in The Star, and statistics by the Ministry of Suicide.

And so it came to be that a Ministry for the Reform of Bad Men (“MRBM”) was set up. The new leaders mobilised the initiative at lightning speed. Laws were drafted, criminalising the unscrupulous habits of bad men that had been cultivated over the years. As most other laws were eventually amended to afford more protection to women who fell prey to bad men, the Interpretation Act was also amended to incorporate new definitions of terms such as “bad man,” “cheating,” “lying,” “being selfish in bed,” etc.

Screening devices previously used to monitor body temperatures during the SARS outbreak were modified to detect bad men. In the same way that people with SARS were quarantined till they got better or passed away, bad men detected by these devices were taken in for questioning and subjected to programmes designed to rehabilitate.

As a further preventative measure, and to show that the new government was sincere and serious in its efforts to eradicate bad men altogether, a new module known as “Pendidikan Lelaki Baik” (or “Good Man Education”) was introduced at primary and secondary school level.

It was a roaring success. The women were pleased, and the feminists were over the moon. The new government got the time it needed and eventually brought about the change that the people had demanded for so long.

And then a few years later, it stopped working.

Copyright 2011 June Low All Rights Reserved

June is currently in training for the next Cirque Du Soleil following the tragic demise of their beloved unicycling midget.

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