Better late than never! Wai’s been busy with his brand new movie website (www.electroshadow.com). 2010 may be fast becoming a fuzzy memory, and some of the films below are best forgotten. But take this list as an advisory, in case you’re thinking of watching any of the following …
There was certainly no shortage of weak films in 2010. What’s depressing was the overwhelming surplus of truly horrible films. The fallout from the global recession of ’08 continued to rear its ugly head in last year’s releases, which were hastily greenlit and rushed through the script stage to avoid the American Screenwriter’s Guild Strike in late 2009.
As the Pixar people will tell you, “The story is everything.” Sometimes though, to reach the special depths that the following ten films sank to, you need all the planets in perfect alignment. Bad acting, bad direction, and just a generally bad vibe permeating every frame. Ladies and gents, I now share with you my pain …
Prince Of Persia
Overpriced, underwritten, terrible CGI, totally uninvolving story, and the blandest hero since Orlando Bloom in “Pirates Of The Caribbean”.
Took a great premise (Predators hunting earth’s nastiest killers) and completely wasted it.
Ho-hum action, uninspired plot, and the year’s most laughable make-up effects (Angelina Jolie disguised as a man).
10. The Blind Side
“But Sandy Bullock won an Oscar for this!” you say? Yeah, well, Hitler was a vegetarian. Doesn’t excuse him either. To be fair, Ms. Bullock’s admittedly charming performance is the only reason why this pile of amateurishly-directed, pathologically-sentimental, cliche-infested garbage doesn’t outrank the other garbage on this list.
Speaking of amateurish, I was going to give this one a pass, cos it had like, cute widdle doggies and kitties and birdies and stuff. The thing is, when the animals in your flick give a more convincing performance than the entire human cast, something’s seriously wrong. It doesn’t help that the lines sound like they were written by a hamster stoned on date-rape drugs. No, wait. That’s impossible. A script this awful could only have come from a human; a cynical pay-cheque hack, no less.
8. Cop Out
Tracy Morgan is NOT funny. This is a terrible, terrible movie made more terrible-er by Tracy Morgan, who is NOT funny. Bruce Willis was contractually obligated to remember his lines, but he forgot to remind the director, producers and studio that his co-star Tracy Morgan is NOT funny. If you think repeating something over and over again is not funny, congratulations, you now have an idea of how Tracy Morgan is NOT funny.
7. Due Date
You know what’s funny? The fact that this abortion of a film is called “Due Date”. Unless the metaphor is that this project was stillborn upon delivery. Every single thing in it is lifeless. The humour falls completely flat at every turn, in spite of (or some would argue because of) the leading men Zach Galifianakis and Robery Downey Jr. Who have proven to be brilliant comedians in their own right, but certainly not when put together here.
6. Repo Men
And the 2010 Award for Most Retarded/Audience-enraging Twist That Is Meant To Be Clever/Profound goes to… *gasp* a film that is NOT by M. Night Shyamalan!! I’d like to send some real repo men after the assclowns who inflicted this on me. Equipped with hacksaws, blowtorches and… nah, just equipped with a clear DVD9 copy* of this movie, played on an infinite loop for them.
*Frankly, this crap isn’t even worth pirating.
5. Evangelion 2.0: You Can (Not) Advance
Shoe! Rotoscope my intestinal tapeworms, cos we all falling in the sleep for the musical banzai. Why? The xylophone of world peace smells like sausages, silly. Son, I am disappoint. You dated Mozart (who drives no sports car), but the disco balls of last night were much hairy. Woo woo, pump my Ovaltine while happy midgets bite your nipples. Steve! Steve!! Steve!!! Shoe.
Yup, that’s about as much sense this anime masterpiece made to my poor, scrambled mind. My viewing companion put it more succinctly: “What the flying fuck just happened?”
4. Alice In Wonderland
Tim Burton used to be a name that stood for a very specific, off-kilter creative vision that was always likable if not always accessible. Now, the originality has all but dried up, leaving his style to become a parody of itself. As an artist, he’s done. Unfortunately, no one told him. Which has resulted in the worst adaptation of “Alice” ever committed to celluloid, and a ridiculous, career-worst performance by Johnny Depp. It’s sad more than bad, really.
3. The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day
It might seem a little mean-spirited to dump on a movie that couldn’t even get a theatrical release. But there is a reason why financiers resigned this to direct-to-video hell. It’s an incompetent movie made by incompetent people. The dialogue is cringe-worthy and the direction is completely muddled. What makes it all the more unbearable is how pretentious the whole thing feels. Plus, Julie Benz is a lock for Worst Actress of the Year. Hands down.
2. Resident Evil: Afterlife 3D
When the end credits rolled, I wanted to yell “I want my money back!!!” Then I remembered I was at a free screening. I felt like throwing something at the screen. Then I realised I had neither popcorn bucket nor soda cup at hand. So, I did what any assault victim in my situation would do. I applauded. Loudly. With a standing ovation. I would’ve added some profuse swearing in Hokkien for good measure, but the nuances of the dialect would’ve been lost on the Bangladeshi cleaners in the now-empty theatre. If there is anything this useless turd is good for, it would be as the subject of a drinking game. Every time “director” Paul W. S. Anderson rips off someone else’s movie, you down a shot. Drunken coma guaranteed even before the movie hits the halfway mark. Which would be a good thing.
1. The Last Airbender
Hah. You didn’t seriously think I’d left the lovely and talented Mr. Shyamalan outta this list, didja? I briefly flirted with the thought of putting this on my Best-of list instead. Because it’s a spectacular train wreck that is simultaneously horrifying and hypnotic to behold. It is a 90-minute demonstration of a once-respected artist pissing away every remaining drop of goodwill and respect. His process of self-destruction is now complete. The only professional avenue left for Shyamalan is re-invention. He needs to stop playing the profound, intellectual snob and get back to basics. Or he’s doomed. If you think I’m exaggerating, I’d like to leave you with this priceless line of dialogue, delivered in utter seriousness by a terrible actor, dressed in a laughably-designed costume, surrounded by a stupid-looking set: “I always knew you were a bender.”
Storyteller by trade and dreamer by nature, Wai has been deeply nuts about the celluloid world since the first time he discovered he could watch a story instead of reading it. But he likes writing about it. Wai goes by a single name because he likes to avoid any “Imperial entanglements” (a.k.a. “conflict of interest with the powers that be” for those of you who don’t speak Star Wars) in his employment. Plus, cool people use one-word names. He has just set up a movie website, the first of its kind in Malaysia, in an effort to foster greater filmic knowledge for the rakyat. Check out Electro Shadow.