Imagine you are an alien being from some planet far far away in the globular star clusters M80, 23,000 light years away from Earth. You had just arrived on Earth after traveling in a space craft called Pro-Ton, your premier national space craft manufacturer. You have traveled 23,000 light years to be here.

You are tired, hungry and may be sleepy. But you are excited at the same time. You have read so much about this blue planet filled with strange gasses, minerals, matters and of course, strange and wild creatures of various forms. You can’t wait to meet them. Interact with them. Probably even mate with some of them.

As fate would have it, you had landed somewhere in what your inter-stellar google map calls Kuala Lumpur. While landing, you had caused a bit of a landslide along the KL-Rawang road causing the road to be closed. You had also caused cracks to reappear all over the MRR2 prompting the former Minister of Works to shout at his wife “it’s an act of God!!!!” out of sheer habit, forgetting that he is no more a Minister. But you are not worried. You and your craft are invisible of course.

You have come here prepared. You have studied the Earth and its entire history from day one, right from the day the Big Bang caused some dust, gasses and various matters to form Earth to the day Alexander the Great arrived in India and wished he had never been there and to the day Hitler was locked in a dungeon by an angry Jewish midget and the key thrown away. You have seen it all.

You have seen the Mayans drawing up their calendar up to 2012 before they committed mass suicide for no apparent reason leaving later generations to think that the Earth will come to an end in 2012. You have also known about Nostradamus, a guy who loved puzzles and riddles and whose entire goal in life was to ensure that the whole Earth population would be puzzled and riddled till Armageddon. And of course, you know all about Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Abraham, Isa, Mohammad, Mandela, Idi Amin, Robert Mugabe, Mahathir Mohammad, Clinton, Obama, Osama and others (in random order, not association or affinity).

As I had said, you came prepared. Also preset in your indefinite memory bank is humongous amount of data and information about all cultures, values and religions on Earth. Islam, Christianity, Hinduism, Judaism, Buddhism, Zoroastrianism, Taoism, Shintoism and hundreds more. You know them all.

After drinking about 88 gallons of toxic waste and pig poo from some rivers around KL for breakfast, you decide to catch up with some reading before you set out to explore Earth. You plug one end of your version of a USB cable into your head and the other end into your 1 iEverythingPod. Your mind then skims through the vast data and information available about the latest and most current happenings on Earth.

You would instantly learn about the call for 1 Malaysia of course. Your two mouths actually smile. Then you would learn about UMNO delegates voting for change. You then cross-refer the word “change” to one Barrack Obama, the President of a place where Hollywood and one Scarlett Johansen are. Ahh…similar, you note. Then you learn about Zaid Ibrahim taking leave. About one Zul Noordin defending his faith while in bed. About a creature known as MACC – quickly cross-referred to McDonald – planning to prosecute 35 government officers for abusing their office erasers and paper clips. About a bomb exploding in Kabul killing – cross referred to Holocaust, World War 2, Bosnian conflict, war crimes, exhibition at PWTC, Dr Mahathir, Idi Amin, stop – and another in Baghdad.

You shake your 3 heads in disbelief.

Then you are transported to the fact that NASA had just successfully launched and tested the Ares I-X prototype rocket, which was designed to replace the old and aging space shuttle. And you think, ahhhh..I have travelled 23000 light years and these morons are still testing space shuttle. Lame!

Later, you become aware of the fact that the African Union had just backed a plan to create a special hybrid court for trying those accused of committing atrocities in Sudan’s restive Darfur province. Hmmm…Sudan….Darfur you think. Cross refer, mass killing, 300000 people (mostly Muslims) killed, 2.5 million people displaced…genocide…further cross-refer, World War 2, Holocaust, Hitler, Karadzic, Idi Amin….you get the drift.

Then you learn of the swine flu. Of the race to come out with a vaccine. Of how China and the USA manage to create one. In the nick of time. Then you discover there were more than 70 deaths in Malaysia because of this flu. The 1 iEverythingPod then cross refer to 3rd world; Philippines; Botswana; Ethiopia. Oh no, you have landed in a third world country, you think. Mission almost a failure!

You also learn that the Noble prize has been awarded to that guy whose name is Obama, from that country where the women have silicon in their body. Cross refer, Pamela Anderson. Monstrous, you say quietly.

Jenson Button wins the F1. Ooops…what is this? You explore. Auto racing. You learn. Abu Dhabi. Nice day and night race. You see at one time during the race, there was the sun and the moon at the same time! Cross refer, Sepang F1 race, race stopped before it finished as it was getting dark. Cross refer Singapore night F1 race. Party. Beyonce. Cross refer, Black Eyed Peas, no Muslims allowed, then Muslims allowed, check identity card, Beyonce cancels her concert, Pemuda PAS Selangor protests, Michael Learns To Rock, protests again, Hassan Ali, Zul Noordin, mullahs on Ecstacy.

You explore deeper. Japan leads in hybrid powered cars. New water in Singapore. Financial world revamping. Melting ice caps. Globalisation. Peace treaties. Middle east unrest. Modern day slavery in Dubai. Fulham whacks Liverpool 3-1.

You then come back to news in Malaysia, the place where you have landed. The Prison department is awaiting order to cane Kartika. Cross refer, beer, alcohol, Kartika, cane, Islam. Then you learn about the call for award to be given to those who marry single mothers. Cross refer, Islam. Later, you are fed with a scheme where RM10000 is paid to each man who would marry an orang asli woman in order to keep her as a Muslim. Cross refer, Islam.

You check your memory bank on all the information and data about that religion called Islam. Just to make sure you are reading those news accurately. Hmmm…strange, you think. Then you are transported to an offer for honeymoon for married couple having marital problems. Then to divorce-hit Terengganu wants to spice up sex life of newly-weds. Cross refer, Islam.

Finally, you learn about one Dr Asri, a former Islamic Mufti of a state in Malaysia, being arrested for lecturing about Islam without a license. Cross refer, Islam, breach of fundamental liberties, freedom of speech.

By this time you are sure all the data and information you had been implanted with about Islam is wrong and inaccurate. You profusely push the communicator button. Call your planet. “No,” they say, “the information are correct.” “But,” you say, “I am getting quite different reports here.” “Where are you?” your home ask you.

“I am in a place called Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia,” you answer.

“Oh, that place”, exclaims your home.

“Listen up okay, access your memory bank, and click ignore once,” direct your home.

Funny;moody;temperamental; intelligent;clever;not smart;stupid;obnoxious; charming;sporting;down to earth;politically very incorrect;fit;sexy;ugly; adrenalin junkie;inhaler;drinker; sexually active;rude;mild...

2 replies on “1 World, 1 Malaysia…different planet”

  1. super iFunny!!!! hahaha… how did i ever miss this posting? still a damn good laugh 6 mths down the road! was feeling very sleepy but this totally woke me up… thanks!

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