From the Selangor Times Issue 37, 12-14 August 2011. Ask Lord Bobo is a weekly column by LoyarBurok where all your profound, abstruse, erudite, hermetic, recondite, sagacious, and other thesaurus-described queries are answered!

Lord Bobo, I’ve been seeing some interesting graffiti around KL. What’s a “volcano massage”? (Avid Reader, via email)

Ah, His Supreme Eminenceness did notice those spray-painted graffiti on road-dividers, walls, and flyover-pillars around KL the last time Lord Bobo was in town to visit the Pusat Rakyat LoyarBurok. We assumed there was a sudden surge in demand for massage services. As well as motorcycle tyre-tube-changing assistance.

As to what a “volcano massage” is, one can only speculate. Lord Bobo assumes it has something to do with, erm, eruptions. His Supreme Eminenceness even spotted a “cheese massage”, which is even more mysterious.

Having received your question, we tasked a few minions to dial up the numbers on those notices (just to research for this answer, obviously) and they all were told “wrong number” by various irritated individuals. Which leads us to think that all these seemingly exotic massage notices are perhaps an elaborate prank!

Most disturbingly, a minion reportedly saw a “banana massage” advertisement. Now that’s just plain wrong. Lord Bobo is of the view that bananas are to be eaten, not massaged. No, not in THAT way.

I am so upset. My neighbour called me a “fat, untalented Panda” at the wet market. What legal recourse do I have? (@junkradar, via Twitter)

His Supreme Eminenceness is delighted to inform you that you live in Malaysia, the land where the rule of law reigns supreme, and justice is upheld above all else. You therefore have numerous options of legal redress for your grievance.

You can sue the Election Commission for causing your neighbour to be your neighbour. If not for the EC’s lackadaisical attitude towards phantom voters and gerrymandering, your neighbour would have won the seat he was running for last year and become a closet millionaire living in a gated community instead of slumming it in your neighbourhood.

You can sue Utusan Malaysia for making you constantly paranoid about being invaded by Jews, Christians, Communists, Americans, Europeans, Martians, and even Jews from Uranus! Go ahead and claim that the paranoia gave you such severe anxiety attacks that had to be quelled by 20 packs of Twisties per day, thereby causing you to be fat.

You can sue the Registrar of Societies for branding BERSIH illegal, thus deterring you from participating in the 9th July rally, and denying you some much need exercise (not from the walking, but from the running from the tear gas and water cannons) to mitigate your obesity.

You can sue the Government for misprioritising expenditure on defence procurement instead of human development, thereby depriving you of quality and a well-rounded education to cultivate your innate talents.

As the above advice is given free of charge, Lord Bobo hereby disclaims in perpetuity and slightly thereafter any responsibility or liability for any loss, damage, cost or expense whatsoever, whether direct, indirect or consequential, howsoever, whensoever, and in whomsoever arising, covering all known and unknown points on the space-time continuum, in connection with and/or in relation to and/or occasioned by the said advice. Or not. Amen. Caveat emptor. Res ipsa loquitor. Waka waka. A licky boom boom down. Qui vadis. Et tu, Brute?

Lord Bobo, what’s your take on the MAS AirAsia deal that has set Corporate Malaysia abuzz? (Flight of Fancy, via email)

His Supreme Eminenceness is slightly bemused by this concept of “Corporate Malaysia”. Who does this include? How many Malaysias are there? Is the opposite “Unincorporated Malaysia”? Or “Can’t Be Arsed About Business News Malaysia”? Anyway, it’s just another piece of business between the business elite isn’t it? Many of the characters involved are from the same familiar cast (or friends or close business partners of former cast members).

It’s difficult to predict how it will affect the average Malaysian, though you can be certain that bringing MAS towards profitability will not involve cutting ticket prices or offering free air fares. Short, figure-hugging air stewardess uniforms may help though.

Dear Lord Bobo, why do people go out for drinks or meals and spend so much time looking at their phones, instead of each other? Is this a sign of the apocalypse? Are the machines taking over? (Nostrildamus, via email)

Lord Bobo knows what you mean, and is not happy about this trend. In fact, His Supreme Eminenceness has on numerous occasions advised his minions to minimise Tweeting, BBM-ing and emailing other people whilst sitting down for a meal with friends. It’s just plain rude. It’s sad how basic human interaction seems to be such a difficult task for so many.

Just the other day, Lord Bobo was enjoying a meal in KLCC (His Supreme Eminenceness frequently visits the excellent bookstore there), and a family was seated at the next table. The father was on his iPhone, mum was on an iPad, the older daughter was frantically typing away on her BlackBerry, and the youngest kid was sat there watching cartoons on a portable DVD player. And this was while eating.

Lord Bobo has been told that some parents buy iPads for their pre-school-age children to play with because it’s too tiring to make conversation with them.  This is just plain lazy and irresponsible parenting. Why bother having children if that’s your attitude? Similarly, why bother being in the presence of other human beings if most of your interaction is going to be on Twitter, or about it? “Eh you mentioned me on Twitter ah? Wait wait I go reply.”

Is the apocalypse upon us? Perhaps. Not that these people would notice of course, unless it was tweeted, BBM-ed or emailed to them.

Have a question for Lord Bobo? Call on His Supreme Eminenceness by emailing [email protected], stating your full name, and a pseudonym (if you want), or tweeting your questions by mentioning @LoyarBurok and using the hashtag #asklordbobo. The first 100 questions published will receive monkey-riffic LoyarBurok merchandise courtesy of Selangor Times. What the hell are you waiting for? Hear This, and Tremblingly Obey (although trembling is optional if you are somewhere very warm)! Liberavi Animam Meam! I Have Freed My Spirit!

You can read archives of all the Ask Lord Bobo columns by clicking here. These are the divinely-inspired words of His Supreme Eminenceness Lord Bobo Barnabus PhD SP GBE OMGWTFBBQ.

Ask Lord Bobo is a weekly column by LoyarBurok where all your profound, abstruse, erudite, hermetic, recondite, sagacious, and other thesaurus-described queries are answered! It is the ONLY place that...