Categories: Let's Talk About Sex

[Porn Week] The Dirty, Naughty Bible

The Christian Bible is the best selling book in history. There are possibly more than 6 billion copies printed and at least one book of the Bible has been translated into 2000 languages and dialects. And it contains sex, lots of sex! It even has an entire book devoted to sex (there are 66 books in the Bible). Here are some of my favourites.

Jacob, the father of the 12 tribes of Israel, had 2 wives, thanks to his double-crossing father in-law (Gen 29:16 – 30:22). He fathered 13 children. His wives, Rachel and Leah, also made him have sex with their maidservants. Better still, Rachel used sex in exchange for something she wanted. (Gen 30:15-16)

Prostitute sisters, Aholah and Aholibah, describe men’s genitals as large as donkeys’ and their ejaculation comparable to stallions’. (Ez 23:19-21)

Lot, whose wife turned into a pillar of salt while running away from the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, had sex with his daughters. While living in a cave, the girls first got him drunk before the sexual act. Their reason, “that we may preserve the seed of our father.” (Gen 19:30-36) Prior to this incident, Lot attempted to pacify an angry mod by offering his then-virgin daughters to them! (Gen 19:8)

King Solomon, who built the “Solomon’s Temple” (the first temple in Jerusalem), loved boobies. He describes them as “two young roes that are twins”, “delights”, “clusters of the vine” and “towers”. And he loved sleeping “all night” between his lover’s breasts. (Song of Solomon 1:13, 4:5, 7:1-13, 7:6-8, 8:8-10) The book Song of Solomon is so graphic in content, monks studying the Bible regularly skipped studying it lest they recant their vows of celibacy. Despite numerous revisions to the Bible over the many years, this sexy stuff in this book has never been omitted nor replaced.

Heavy petting, ejaculation and oral sex in the Song of Solomon: “I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.” (2:3), “Come …blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits.” (4:16), “My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.” (5:4), “My hands dropped with myrrh… I opened to my beloved; but my beloved had withdrawn himself.” (5:5-6) Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines. (1Kg 11:3)

God instructed one of the greatest prophets in the Bible, Isaiah, to walk around completely naked for 3 years. (Is 20:2-5)

Noah, after floating in an ark with his family and all the species of animals for 40 days, got drunk in the evenings and woke up wondering what his son, Ham, did to him while he was pissed out of his mind. Homosexuality between a father and son? (Gen 9:20-25)

Sarah ordered her 80 year old husband, Abraham, to have sex with her handmaid, Hagar. And he complied; the dirty old man! Hagar was presumably good at sex because Sarah was jealous of her and kicked her out of the household. (Gen 16:1-4)

Aaron the prophet made the Israelites dance naked around a golden calf while Moses was away in the mountain receiving the 10 Commandments. Aaron once turned his rod into a snake in front of the Pharaoh, literally. (Gen 32:1-35)

Samson and Delilah had bondage sex. He told her to tie him with different types of ropes. (Jud 16:7,11) He might also have had a hair fetish, asking Delilah to braid his long locks. (Gen 16:13)

King David, one of the greatest kings in the Bible, was a voyeur. He watched Bathsheba bathing, from the roof of the palace. Then, he commanded her over to the palace for sex. (2Sam 11:2-4)

When God is angry with you, he calls you dirty names like, a “whore” who likes “big Egyption penises”. (Ez 16:26,28)

I am sure you can Google more yourself. A word of warning: there is no sex in heaven (Mk 12:25). So it is best to get all you can while you are here on earth.

Pepper Lim received his degree in theological studies in Australia in 1989 and served in full time church work till 1994. He was active in church work till a few years ago. He still has plans to make his parents proud.

Pepper Lim

Pepper is the father of two adorable children named Paprika Lim and Saffron Lim. "Dear Paprika" is a series of letters written for posterity. When Paprika is 20 years old, he will be 61. He prefers to use logic and evidence when presented with seemingly miraculous events. He supports LGBT rights and believes a person’s sexuality is no concern of others. In his spare time, he authored "The Troublesome Prince Lucky Mole"; a best-seller children’s story book. His family lives in beautiful Malaysia, a country rich in natural resources and unlimited potential. He moves with UndiMsia and APOSL. He has plans to make his family proud.

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