Categories: Let's Talk About Sex

[Porn Week] Science Spoofs Porn: The Petri Dish Orgy

Asexual Reproduction/Mitosis

Some time ago, before iPads were invented, there was no life on this planet. Some believe there was a point in time when a supernatural force, I’ll refer to as “Phil” (all Malaysians have the right to refer to this Almighty force as “Phil”), strung some hydrogen, nitrogen, oxygen, carbon, and phosporous into a molecule that was able to replicate, DNA. (DNA, went on to achieve both fame, when appearing on the CSI TV crime drama series; and infamy, when appearing in certain Malaysian anuses).

Note to all Skeptics, Unbelievers and Dawkins Hipsters who read Unscientific Malaysia: Yes, this could have happened randomly, without divine intervention. However, I’m trying to reach out to more than you 7 people. For most normal people, a supernatural entity called “Phil” walking around primordial Earth with a lab full of supernatural, slave labor graduate students messing with beakers and Bunsen burners is easier to imagine.

These molecules got more and more complex and started doing specialized things, like transforming little scraps of basic chemicals into bigger scraps of more interesting chemicals.

Soon, groups of specialized molecules started building walls around themselves, and became self contained cells. In these cells were sophisticated components, like the mitochondria that generated energy, allowing them to bounce around, reproduce, and dream about getting iPads that had external USB drive compatibility.

These are called Eucaryotic cells and reproduce very simply by division, or mitosis. There were no males or females or back seat romps when they came into being. They were more asexual than Morrisey claimed to be in the 1980’s.

The cartoon Petri Dish Orgy, shows how a single eucaryotic cell very quickly propagates every generation by dividing into two.

1 cell splits into 2, 2->4, 4->8, 8->16, 16->32, 32->64, 64->128 etc.

Mathematically this is 2 raised to the power of n, 2^n. Where n is the generation or iteration. E.g.,

1. 2^0 = 1
2. 2^1 = 2
3. 2^2 = 4
4. 2^3 = 8

and so on.

These cells still exist today as single cell organisms like bacteria. Some have co-opted other cells and organized themselves into larger organisms, like hagfish, and lawyers.

Rafil Elyas is a chemical engineer. He is also one third of the genius that is The Panda Head Curry? who be making up for boycotting Nurulpalooza Penang 2011 at their next show: The Panda Head Curry?: Tigalagi at Arts For Grabs, The Annexe Gallery.

They will be performing their latest release ‘Straight Pride:The World is My Closet’ along with previous albums ‘1000 Homo Humpbacks’ and ‘Arsetronauts & Arseteroids’ in their entirety.

Look out for more “Science Spoofs Porn” tomorrow!

Rafil Elyas

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