From the Selangor Times Issue 3, 10-12 December 2010. You can view the entire paper at the end of this post, and download a pdf of the entire paper here. Ask Lord Bobo is a weekly column by LoyarBurok where all your profound, abstruse, erudite, hermetic, recondite, sagacious, and other thesaurus-described queries are answered!

This week, Ask Lord Bobo answers questions on 1Malaysia, and Malaysia’s internet network!


Dear Lord Bobo, what is 1Malaysia? @syahredzan, via Twitter

1Malaysia reminds Lord Bobo of a planet which His Supreme Eminenceness encountered on an intergalactic stroll in 2100 A.D. The planet was inhabited by an advanced colony of apes, who, despite all their initial excellence, eventually found themselves overtaken by neighbouring planets, as their rulers were keen to oppress the apes, and constantly violated basic concepts such as meritocracy, justice, the rule of law, fair elections, and the ideals of the founding apes. All these rulers had in mind was how to control the banana plantations and to line their massive ape bellies. They too attempted mind-controlling the apes with catchy slogans, multi-coloured bananas, and the occasional feel-good banana smoothie.

It all ended well. The ruling party eventually fell into disarray and disbanded following a tragic accident at their annual conference. Their leader at the time was a heavy-set ape with a penchant for elaborate, ginourmous coiffures involving immense volumes of highly-flammable hairspray. Making her grand entrance, she swung an inch too close to an open fire, and tragic fiery destruction was inevitable.

Back to the question though, 1Malaysia is an expensive branding and marketing exercise by the government known as Malaysia concocted by non-Malaysians. It is not a policy, but a slogan. It is the song and dance show by the powers that be put on for the rakyat to entertain them whilst the plunder of Malaysia goes on backstage. The “1” does not refer to unity. 1Malaysia is code for “Looking Out for No. 1 using the resources of Malaysia”. 1Malaysia is the new Islam Hadhari. That means when a new Prime Minister comes in, it will be forgotten and overtaken, as it should have been right from the start.

Will Malaysia ever have a better, faster, more efficient internet network? @noreenlynn, via Twitter

Matters concerning the World Wide Web are indeed very close to the Lord’s heart. Especially when the miraculous power of His Supreme Eminenceness works through the online platform of the Blawg, in its quest for world domination.

To give you a rough idea of how Internet connectivity works in Malaysia, all the data lines (laymen terms) are actually owned by a select few service providers. These lines are then ‘leased out’ to other third party service providers and rebranded as their own, in the name of market liberalisation, to create an illusion of competitive pricing between the service providers. In order for the original service providers to preserve its own monopoly over the market, it will then hold back on allowing access of the infrastructure to the other third party service providers.

Even though, in theory, the infrastructures can provide up to a certain speed, as claimed by some Internet service providers, in reality, consumers will not be able to get access to the full speed because it is simply held back from them, and the available infrastructure is just not enough to withstand all the consumers’ demands. Unfortunately, no action is taken against internet service providers who constantly break their promises — and hide behind a “best efforts basis” connection speed. Recently, there was a launch of a 4G product, which is not even 4G (in fact, 4G does not even officially exist). Yet, the authorities allowed it to be marketed as 4G. All this results in the organised, licensed deception of Malaysian consumers. Since complete fiction is apparently allowed, perhaps a service provider should next roll out 8G — why bother with 5, 6, and 7? Malaysia can then boast the most highly-numbered mobile internet service.

So, regarding your question whether Malaysia will ever have a better, faster, more efficient Internet network? The Lord’s answer is th— ***Transmission lost. No internet connection detected. Please contact your ISP, or try again later.***

Although Lord Bobo already knows your question before you even knew you had a question, as a practical display of your true desire to have your query answered, His Supreme Eminenceness has graciously allowed you to communicate your questions by —

  • emailing [email protected], stating your full name, and a pseudonym if you wish the question to be published anonymously (and a good reason for anonymity).
  • tweeting your questions by mentioning @LoyarBurok and using the hashtag #asklordbobo.

The first 100 questions published will receive LoyarBurok’s ONLY merchandise you ever need (worth a lot for humankind) courtesy of Selangor Times. Now, what the hell are you waiting for? Hear This and Tremblingly Obey (although trembling is optional if you are somewhere very warm)! Liberavi Animam Meam! I Have Freed My Spirit!

Ask Lord Bobo is a weekly column by LoyarBurok where all your profound, abstruse, erudite, hermetic, recondite, sagacious, and other thesaurus-described queries are answered! It is the ONLY place that...