Dear Paprika: How To Spot Gays, Lesbians and Corrupt Ministers

Pepper Lim writes to his daughter about people in power who selectively persecute minorities. The LGBT community is constantly the punching bag of paranoid people, especially so during General Election time. Even his letters to his daughter are deemed a threat to the country.

Dear Paprika,

There have been quite a few jokes published in the local newpapers this past week, the latest being an accusation by the New Straits Times that LoyarBurok is part of a plot to destabilise the government. Can you imagine, the NST deems my letters to you – which are published on this blawg – as partly responsible for the current shaky state of Malaysia!

Spot the gayness in Sir Elton | Source: hollywoodreporter.com

Then there was this ludicrous guideline released by the Education Ministry on how to spot gays and lesbians,two weeks ago. Read the guidelines and have a good laugh yourself! Our government thinks that the LGBTs are influencing children, and that this will destabilise the country. So parents and teachers are given this guideline to help curb this so-called ‘deviant culture’. I wonder which bangang in the ministry came up with the ridiculous idea that you can tell a person’s personality just by looking at him or her.

Where was this bangang when we were all watching CNN’s award winning Anderson Cooper on our TV screens? Cooper is well known for flying into dangerous areas to bring us news while we sit in the comfort of our homes. Well, he’s gay. Didn’t the bangang notice his tight gay shirts?  Isn’t this bangang worried sick that children who watch news on CNN will turn gay from watching gays like Anderson Cooper?

Why didn’t this bangang get The Lord Of The Rings trilogy banned? Doesn’t he know that the actor who played Gandalf is gay? Couldn’t he tell by looking at how Gandalf battled monsters and orcs? He also failed to shield our eyes from Ricky “Livin’ la Vida Loca” Martin, Adam “American Idol” Lambert and Suze Orman – all of whom are out-of-the-closet homosexuals.

Where was this bangang hiding when The Matrix trilogy was screened in local cinemas? When The Matrix came out, it blew movie goers away with its ‘bullet time‘ special effects, kung-fu fight scenes, over-the-top gun fights and all round macho-ness. The trilogy was directed by two brothers – Larry and Andy Wachowski. In 2012, Larry came out as a trans-woman. She changed her name to ‘Lana’. Boom! A trans-woman co-wrote and co-directed The Matrix trilogy!

Habis lah! Cina cinta Melayu?! Mana boleh! | Source: theinspirationroom.com

Malaysia also had a famous trans-woman director: Yasmin Ahmad. Her heart-touching TV advertisements are famous and shown every year during the festive seasons. Take a look here. Why didn’t the bangang ban her works? Was it because her Malaysian-made films and advertisements were earning international recognition and gave the local film industry hope of rekindling its former glory days with P Ramlee?

Malaysia is famous for ‘protecting its citizens’ by banning things deemed to be a ‘national threat’, such as Seksualti Merdeka and Zunar’s comic books. Some bangangs in the government think the rakyat is lame, uneducated or unable to think rationally. I think they are really only interested in keeping themselves in power by misdirecting our attentions on issues which are meaningless in order to hide their incompetence, mismanagement, corruption and abuse of power.

Well, if bangangs in the ministry can come up with stupid guidelines, so can I. Just like the guidelines to spot gays and lesbians, my guidelines are also pure nonsense.

Daddy’s “Guide to Spotting Ministers Who Take Bribes and Have Secret Love Affairs” (Approved by Pepper Lim and The Ministry Of Funny Walks)

  1. They walk funny -  their trousers are weighed down with cash bribes
  2. They will make Freudian slips. Example, “Saya sungguh komisyen untuk menolong penduduk di sini” or “Aku sedang beromen belakang isteri aku“.
  3. They forget to zip up – sure sign that they have just come back from accepting a bribe
  4. They have a mustache - definite sign of a person who has a mistress and enjoys being bribed
  5. They are clean shaven – concrete sign of someone having an affair and is willing to accept bribes

Dear Paprika, bullies always pick on the weak and defenseless. I hope you will join the many brave Malaysians who stand up for the weak and defend what is right. This is our country; if we don’t make it better, who will?

Your loving father,

Daddy

PS. Bangang = stupid, foolish, dumb


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Posts by Pepper Lim

Pepper is the father of two adorable children named Paprika Lim and Saffron Lim. "Dear Paprika" is a series of letters written for posterity. When Paprika is 20 years old, he will be 61. He prefers to use logic and evidence when presented with seemingly miraculous events. He supports LGBT rights and believes a person’s sexuality is no concern of others. In his spare time, he authored "The Troublesome Prince Lucky Mole"; a best-seller children’s story book. His family lives in beautiful Malaysia, a country rich in natural resources and unlimited potential. He moves with UndiMsia and APOSL. He has plans to make his family proud.

Posted on 30 September 2012. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0.

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4 Responses to Dear Paprika: How To Spot Gays, Lesbians and Corrupt Ministers

  1. jackson yee

    NICE!

  2. Sinjoro ENG

    Haha, good guidelines, should have more,good write up.

  3. lisa_ng

    Too many dinosaurs dictating matters that have arisen our of a society that is progressing and maturing. Too few bright sparks who can make themselves heard.

  4. Phili

    Haha….who knows,maybe in the near future these goons will come up with a new ruling…women can't wear trousers,can only wear skirts..cos trousers for men only..