The Monkeysuit Protocol: Surviving a Raid, One Slick Move at a Time.

In our Selected Exhortations category, we republish interesting stuff such as must-read articles and essays not originally written exclusively for the blawg, and which have come to our attention. Please feel free to email [email protected] if you would like to reproduce your writing, but first follow our Writer’s Guide here. This article was featured in LoyarBurok’s monthly column, “The Monkeysuit Protocol” in August Man magazine’s August 2011 edition.

Tiesto’s in the house. You’re in the zone. And everything’s just fine and trancey when the police decide to rain on your fengtau parade. Yup, son, it’s a raid with a capital R. The good news is, you don’t have to be Ethan Hunt to survive this travesty because it’s not Mission: Impossible. You just need some tricks and legal know-how.

BEFORE THE PARTY STARTS

Way before your feet start pounding concrete, you need to call some people. Friends who know friends who know other friends with relatives in the police force who also like nightclubbing. These guys’ll usually be the first to get a tip-off from their pakciks in the force.

Once you’re inside the club, take note of the exits so you can easily hightail out of a bad situation like Gonzalez on Speed. If they’re crowded, make your own.

Meanwhile, it pays to have a toy police badge handy. Who knows, you may need to magically transform into Dirty Harry (or Sargeant Abdul Hamid) before the DJs call it a night.

SHOWDOWN ON THE DANCE FLOOR

So, your friend’s friend’s pakcik got the info wrong and the Po are now herding clubbers into Black Marias. If you’re clean, great. Otherwise, it’s time to act. Literally.

1. The Under Undercover Cop Trick

Make your way to the nearest exit while doing your best impersonation of Clint Eastwood doing Bahasa Malaysia as you flash your “badge”: “Ha… ‘ni Sarjan Hamid dari balai polis Dang Wangi. Tolong jangan ke mana-mana sehingga dinasihatkan.” Then run like hell because what you just did was “impersonate an officer with fraudulent intent”, an offence punishable with a 3-month jail term and/or a fine of up to RM400.

2. The Epileptic Trick

Self-explanatory. Just drop to the floor and have a fit worthy of an Oscar.

If the police decide to pack you off to the “PDRM Hilton” anyway for suspected drug use, it’s time to invoke your rights:

Step 1: Ask the officer if you’re being arrested.

Step 2: If the answer is “No”, walk away.

Step 3: If the answer is “Yes”, ask “For what?”;

Step 4: Call a relative and also a lawyer. Then Mum’s the word until they arrive.

When you need to disappear fast | Photo by Ben Lee

WHEN THE FENGTAU STOPS AND YOU NEED TO TAKE A PISS.

You’re now at the police station wishing Natalie Portman were tucking you into bed. Instead, you’re up for the urine test. What next?

“But I’m Clean”

Really? Try the following

1. “No.”

2. “No, ada period!” (for girls)

3. “No, I have Gonorrhea and Syphilis and I just had petai for dinner, too.” (for the creative)

“But I’m Not Clean”

Busted? Try the following.

1. Unzip pants

There are 5 people with the authority to run a urine test on you: (1) The Medical Officer appointed by the police (2) His Assistant (3) The Sargeant (4) The station’s Officer-in-Charge (5) The Customs Officer. Refusing to hand over your liquid gold without good reason could mean a fine of up to RM 10,000.00 and/or jail not exceeding 4 years. You thought circumcision was bad?

Physical Examination: The Lawyer Speaketh

If the Medical Officer’s late, an officer not below a Sergeant or Customs Officer’s authorised to only take your urine sample. Neither is allowed to examine you without a Medical Officer around.

The police can detain you up to 24 hours, during when your Statement will be recorded. You’re entitled to a lawyer of course, but since we live in Bolehland, you may have to make a Statement without one around. Tip: Keep it strange. We suggest something along the lines of 3-headed aliens slipping pills into your orange juice. [Hey, you’re hallucinating. It’s possible.]

Denied Access to Legal Representation: The Lawyer Speaketh

Having access to a lawyer is an undeniable right unless  the police can produce a Certificate stating reasons for denial. Otherwise, make a police report about it.

PASSING THE FIRES OF INTERROGATION

The police should inform you of the capacity in which they are questioning you. So before they start puffing up their chest, ask: Am I a witness or a suspect? You don’t have to say jack, of course, but if you’re blameless, state it immediately. That way, if your case goes to court, you can demonstrate to some extent the faithfulness of your version.

DANCING AROUND THE MAGISTRATE

By late morning, you’re ready to eat cockroaches and bust out of Dodge, but the police may decide they need more time with you and request for a remand order for ”X” number of days.

Remand: The Lawyer Speaketh

This is an application for an extension of your stay in jail for further investigation – not for any other purpose, unless there has been a tampering of witnesses to your case and also a likelihood of you committing another crime.

To do so, the police’ll have to produce you before the Magistrate. Now, if you don’t have a lawyer, you have the right to argue against the order before the Magistrate decides. In fact, if the police haven’t questioned you within 24 hours, they have no business keeping you any longer.  Unless they fancy you in “inappropriate ways”.

Here’s what you can say to the Magistrate:

“I wish to exercise my right to remain silent until I’m charged in court. A further period of detention is unnecessary as I’ll be hindering their work. Neither will I be tampering with evidence or obstructing witnesses.”

Sometimes, you get lucky. Other times, you get the slammer again.  From hereon, it’s all a waiting game during which you’d possibly master all levels of WarCraft III. But if your lawyer’s arrived and he/she isn’t a fake, you should be out soon enough. Look on the bright side  – what chick won’t dig a dude who has successfully engaged in legal mind tricks with the PDRM? Even if you dance like a meat-patty slicing machine, you now have moves like never before.

LIBERAVI ANIMAM MEAM.


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Posted on 10 December 2011. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0.

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