Ask Lord Bobo: What To Get Your Man For Christmas

This article was originally published on The Malaysian Insider on 20 December 2013.

Lord Bobo, my boyfriend is a second-year lawyer, and I can’t figure out what to get him for Christmas. You seem to have some lawyer friends. Any ideas? (Clueless in Seputeh, via email)

Dear Clueless in Seputeh,

Thank you for your thoughtful question, which is entirely suitable for an awe-inspiring intellect and uncanny if not entirely spellbinding emotional intelligent being with vast experience of life, law, double entrendes, and other unspeakably sensual incidences.

Since this is a timeless question (as there will always be second-year lawyers with girlfriends who have no idea what to get their man for Christmas), we shall address it.

Your use of the phrase “what to get him” suggests you are thinking along the usual line of acquiring some popular, cool or novel consumer product to satisfy his Christmas right to a gift.

We would suggest you think out of the box (or dress, or negligee, whatever) and dispense with the usual Christmas shopping madness and instead consider doing him something, or simply just doing him good.

For example, you could do something unheard of by young urban women (which we assume you are instead of some 53-year old Bangsar cougar driving a BMW Z3), such as giving him a foot massage (or fellatio), then set out the deliciously cooked meal you have been slaving over throughout the day (or fellatio) and then cuddling with him while feasting on the latest X-Art video clips he downloaded throughout the whole of last week (or fellatio).

Forget what those rubbish “Top 10 gifts to get him this Christmas” articles say — those are just barely-disguised advertorials.

Sometimes, all a second-year male lawyer needs is something thoughtful done for him (and/or fellatio).

Okay, it doesn’t even have to be all that intimate if your relationship isn’t ready for that — you could clean his apartment/room or take his car to be thoroughly detailed (or fellatio).

Ultimately, you will (or you really should) know best what your boyfriend craves and needs. And if you are so creatively bankrupt, there’s always fellatio.

All right, all right, we know that all this fellatio talk will undoubtedly get many people upset (mostly women who aren’t good at fellatio).

You asked, and we answered. But hey, if you’re not into fellatio for whatever reason (because there’s no way your boyfriend is not into it), there are other options.

You could do what 90% of urban mankind does — get him some gift you think he will surely like, but which he will surely not.

Or perhaps get him something you think is cute that he might like, but he will almost definitely hate and will just dump in that drawer full of random gifts from his list of ex-girlfriends (a list you will soon be on).

Maybe you can do what some women do to “ensure” that he will like the gift — ask him what he wants for Christmas, take him out to buy it, and therefore ensuring an entirely anti-climactic feel to the gift-giving process.

Sure he’ll get something he wanted (well, second on the list after fellatio), and you’re relieved because you got him something he will definitely like, but there is no magic of surprise, no tension of anticipation, no mystery to come.

It’s like those lame employers who declare a “half-day” on the eve of a public holiday — agreeable, yes, better than nothing, but somewhat lacking.

If you really are that lazy and uncreative, and need a specific gift suggestion, then His Supreme Eminenceness can guarantee that any male second-year lawyer would appreciate receiving a pair of LoyarBurok cufflinks.

Nothing says power, love, competence, intelligence, romance, and sheer sensual legal ecstasy than having a pair of cufflinks with Lord Bobo’s most beautiful and all-knowing visage on them — though we must point out that it is just an artistic representation of Lord Bobo, as no human knows what His Supreme Eminenceness actually looks like.

Anyway, these cufflinks have been on sale to select individuals with strong connections since November, but have not been officially launched on LoyarBarang.com yet. Good things come to those who wait (this may or may not apply to fellatio).

However, you can purchase a pair by going on a great journey, a mission worthy of this most sought-after gift.

Google the location of Pusat Rakyat LoyarBurok in Bangsar Utama and head over there, overcome the challenge of locating a parking spot (or take the LRT), hike up four flights of stairs (a hike which symbolises the rakyat’s struggles), gather your courage to walk past the harmless-but-topless Indian man on the second floor, enter Lord Bobo’s earthly base, find your way to the Chief Executive Minion (or one of her minions), and boldly ask: “Eh, where to buy the LB cufflinks ah?”

Make the purchase and give the gift (please note that there are no gift-wrapping services at the LoyarBurok Rakyat Centre, and certainly no fellatio).

Your man will be yours forever. Or at least until next Christmas.

Although Lord Bobo already knows your question before you even knew you had a question, as a practical display of your true desire to have your query answered, His Supreme Eminenceness has graciously allowed you to communicate your questions by either emailing [email protected] or tweeting your question, mentioning @LoyarBurok and using the hashtag #AskLordBobo. Now, what the hell are you waiting for? Hear This and Tremblingly Obey (although trembling is optional if you are somewhere very warm)!