Ask Lord Bobo: Atheism and time travel in Malaysia

This article was previously published on The Malaysian Insider.

Lord Bobo, does being an atheist violate the Rukunegara standard of patriotism? (@joonsunn, via Twitter)

The Malaysian government only sees things in black and white.

Where gender is concerned, you are either a man or a woman. Penis = man. Vagina = woman. No in-betweens. There are no lesbians, gays, bisexuals, or transgenders. They have no human rights because they don’t exist. If they think they exist, then they need to be rehabilitated.

Where crime is concerned, the criminals are Indians and victims are Malays. There are also Chinese and Malay gangsters obviously, but these are “good gangsters” and “friends”. You can never have too many friends, in all sorts of places.

Where government aid and economic policy are concerned, you are either Bumiputera or you are not. Allah help you if you are not. Or rather, Tuhan help you if you are not, because Allah is only for Muslims.

Where wastage of public funds is concerned, all civil servants involved were just exceedingly negligent or stupid, but not criminally so. Everybody makes mistakes. Give them a break.

But if you’re not a civil servant, then you’re bloody well going to pay the full price for your mistake. Unless of course your uncle or close friend or dad’s golf buddy is a civil servant or has close ties to someone who is.

Giving money to someone to vote for you in the general election is a corrupt act. It’s bribery.

Giving money to someone to vote for you in an Umno election is not a corrupt act. All you non-Umno fellas please mind your own business. Never mind that the Umno election is in many ways more important than the general election.

When it comes to religion, East Malaysian Muslims are more intelligent and will not be confused by Christians using the word “Allah”. West Malaysian Muslims? Dumb as sticks, these morons will obviously be confused.

Malays are Muslims, Chinese are Buddhists or Christians, Indians are Hindus or Christians, and Dan Lain-Lain are Sikhs or Christians. Atheists are not recognised. They do not exist. Ergo an atheist, being a non-entity, cannot violate the Rukunegara.

Anyone who doesn’t fall into a recognised category is collateral damage. The government knows best. Thank Allah for the government.

But the Malaysian government is no bully. They always provide options. And if you don’t like any of the options on offer, you can always migrate.

Has the time machine been invented yet? (HG Perigi, via email)

Yes, of course. Anyone with a modicum of observational skills will know that the time machine has been at work in Malaysia for the past 44 years.

Often employing the blunt tools of race and religion, made effective by law and pliable institutions, the machine is a viral infection that has nested itself in many politicians of dubious moral fibre and zero integrity.

Its latest shape is perhaps its most strident and virulent, consisting of the triumvirate of the Tun, the Home Minister, and Perkasa. They are the Three In One, prophesied in the lost pages of Revelations to deliver us to the edge of Wawasanageddon.

Every speech by them is a mantra that opens up a wormhole sucking the country in kicking and screaming, propelling it backwards in time further and further towards the Dark Ages, regressing citizens from modern man to Neanderthal. The thin veneer of civilisation is unmade and dissolved, to reveal the ugly baser instincts of man. Racism, sexism, avarice, religious intolerance. No empathy.  No compassion.

Oh yes, the time machine has been invented and has been at work all this while. Maintaining it has been no mean feat either. It’s not easy to find an endless supply of crony contractors who can stomach charging maintenance fees at a 650% premium.

Although Lord Bobo already knows your question before you even knew you had a question, as a practical display of your true desire to have your query answered, His Supreme Eminenceness has graciously allowed you to communicate your questions by either emailing [email protected] or tweeting your question, mentioning @LoyarBurok and using the hashtag #AskLordBobo. Now, what the hell are you waiting for? Hear This and Tremblingly Obey (although trembling is optional if you are somewhere very warm)!


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Ask Lord Bobo is a weekly column by LoyarBurok where all your profound, abstruse, erudite, hermetic, recondite, sagacious, and other thesaurus-described queries are answered! It is the ONLY place that His Supreme Eminenceness' thoughts are regularly channeled, via His Lordship's most loyal meditating purple-banana munching minions.

Posted on 22 January 2014. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0.

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One Response to Ask Lord Bobo: Atheism and time travel in Malaysia

  1. semilanjiao

    You are right… if yoo have both a penis and a vagina… you ca go fkuc yourself