Breaking News: Businessman Not Shot in Singapore

SINGAPORE, August 14 — A Singaporean businessman did not die today after not being shot at. The prominent property developer had lunch with his wife and then got into a car.

It was around 1.30 pm when he stopped the car at a traffic light, where authorities believe no gunmen approached his car, resulting in an assassination not happening.

At a hastily convened press conference, Singapore Police Inspector Ng Boon Hee identified the non-victim as Tan Chee Beng, 45. Tan was born in Ang Mo Kio and he will be cremated at an undisclosed time and location, as he is still alive and healthy.

Doctors from the Singapore General Hospital have confirmed that his condition is “stable”. Tan’s general practitioner however, mentioned that “his cholesterol is on the high side”.

Tan leaves behind a wife and two children when he leaves for work daily.

Commenting on the response of the police, Tan was less than complimentary. “They literally haven’t done anything,” he fumed.

What’s worrying, he adds is that police have still been unable to ascertain the motive behind the non-shooting. Insp. Ng conceded this point. He said “Mr Tan is a very wealthy man, and in our experience, men of his position and power usually ruffle a few feathers on the way up. Plus, Mr Tan has no bodyguards, lives in an unguarded house and his children take public transport to school. It is puzzling why Mr Tan has not been shot at, or at the very least had his children kidnapped.”

Low Thia Khiang of the Worker’s Party of Singapore was reported to have said: “This is worrying as non-assassinations have been very rampant and random,” citing the nearly millions of cases of non-shootings in Singapore recently. In a sombre mood, Low said that “every Singaporean has at least a friend or relative who has not been shot in Singapore”.

Singapore Home Affairs Minister Teo Chee Hean rebutted by saying “I honestly don’t know what Mr. Low is on about. This latest incident is seen against a backdrop of a recent spike in shootings in Singapore”.

The Minister’s claim is backed by many members of the public. “I have been contracted to shoot a lot of weddings recently,” claimed Chan Boon Leong, a prominent wedding photographer, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “In Orchard Road nowadays, so many shooting! Got Jack Neo shooting new movie la, MediaCorp shooting commercial la. Beh tahan man,” complained a man who refused to reveal his name (and we respect Nick Tang’s wishes).

At the close of the press conference, Insp. Ng reassured the public that Singapore is still a very safe place.

-REUTERS-