ALB: Bodyguards, Tortes (and torts), and Tips

From the Selangor Times Issue 40, 9-11 September 2011. Ask Lord Bobo is a weekly column by LoyarBurok where all your profound, abstruse, erudite, hermetic, recondite, sagacious, and other thesaurus-described queries are answered!

My ambition is to be the personal bodyguard of a politician. Can you tell me if this move will take me to higher places? (Ahmad “Tank” Saifuddin, via email)

Lord Bobo commends you for your bravery. Indeed, any person who chooses to literally use his body as a human shield for another deserves credit and much more. Unfortunately, there are no purple hearts for such types of courage in the universe. So Lord Bobo’s purple bananas will have to suffice.

Yet His Supreme Eminenceness must ask out of care and concern: Are you certain you’re mentally prepared for such a punishing occupation? Owning a temple carefully carved out of hours in the gym and nurtured by a disciplined diet of organic quinoa (farmed and harvested by your own bare hands, of course), vegetables (grown on certified non-chemically-leeched soil, of course) and fish (personally speared and scaled, of course) is one thing. But putting your life on the line for someone else? Especially since there is no proof that sacrifices like this make the world a safer place to live? In some countries (Colombia comes to mind), being a bodyguard is a one-time-only experience. You dodge bullets and get knifed in all quadrants of your body only to bounce off the nasty blast of a homemade bomb. All in one hour.

Malaysia is different, you may argue. Plus, you’re a bodyguard for a Malaysian politician for bananasakes, not Pablo Escobar! You may be right in thinking things will be more classy in this case. Maybe it’s just a lot of footwork, escorting your Boss to party meetings and walkabouts in his constituency, with a few stops at the golf course and Seri Carcosa for a tea break or two.

If you’re right, you may be onto something purposeful, especially if your Boss lets you (1) carry his balls (golf balls by the way) (2) nibble on a few secrets and (3) join in his inner circle. Who knows, with enough trust, you could be Minister of Health in no time.

If you’re wrong, however – usually so if you end up being a bodyguard of a member of the Opposition – you could be running in your first Paralympics, if you’re not already in Heaven (thanks to an errant gas canister to the head). If this is what you mean by “higher places”, then Lord Bobo has only one thing to say after this long-winded spiel: Yes.

What is a torte? If I don’t like it, can I retorte? (Tortoise, via email)

A torte is a rich cake usually decorated or filled with cream, fruit, nuts, and jam. The cake originated from Austria. But since then, it has mutated into many delicious variants. Amongst them are chocolate, strawberry, and banana tortes. If you are more adventurous and have a hardy stomach, you can try durian, rambutan, or celery tortes. If you don’t like a torte, you just regurgitate. And ask for a refund of your money.

A torte is sometimes confused with a tort. A tort is a legal concept, not a dessert. A tort is a civil (as opposed to criminal) wrong done to by one person to another, for which the latter can sue the former. There are many types of torts.

There is the tort of negligence, which you can invoke to sue the Election Commission for carelessly transferring your voting station to Sandakan when you have voted in Petaling Jaya for the past 30 years, and registering 50 strangers as voters with your house address. There is the tort of nuisance, which may allow you to get a court injunction against your neighbour who is planning to set up a rare earths refinery that threatens to spill out toxic waste onto your land. And there is the tort of deceit, which really should be extended to make politicians accountable for all the false promises they give to get your vote and win elections.

The principles underlying most torts originated from English judges long ago, and have been refined and updated from time to time to cater for changing socio-political and economic circumstances.

Lord Bobo, you look like the alpha male type. Any pick up tips? (@fareez_shah, via Twitter)

Sorry, alpha males do not need ‘pick up tips’. Alpha males are so inherently attractive that they only need to speak to a girl or wait for her to crawl up to them in utter subservience to have their way with her.

“Pick up tips” are for non-alpha males that are unable to score with women, particularly those of wide aesthetic appeal; these would include beta males and below. However, before these pick up tips can be used, the non-alpha male should strive to attain the following qualities: a kamikaze attitude, skin like rhino hide and the tenacity of a hyena in heat. Once these qualities are possessed, you can then be in a position to utilize these pick up tips.

Tip 1: Don’t compliment the target too much. In fact, find some defect and tell her about it like, “Man, you’d be gorgeous if that mole on top of your left eye lid wasn’t the size of my left testicle.” That would disarm her “Get away from me you creep!” mode because she would be vulnerable.

Tip 2: Immediately demonstrate intent to target. Don’t try to get to know her, her feelings, where she wants to go in life. Every sentence you utter must be sensual, sexually provocative and indicative of where tonight will end. For example, Question: “What are you ordering to eat?” Answer: “It’s not on the menu yet, so I guess I’ll have to start with the oyster foie gras with a huge banana on a bed of salad.”

Tip 3: Entertain the target. You have to keep her laughing, smiling and happy. Be unpredictable. Forget those deep pensive thoughts that would touch her soul. Most philosophers die virgins.

Tip 4: Be bold. Do not ask her whether you can kiss her. Think Nike. Just do it. He who hesitates, mastur… err… yeah, you don’t wanna end up doing that every night.

Have a question for Lord Bobo? Call on His Supreme Eminenceness by emailing [email protected], stating your full name, and a pseudonym (if you want), or tweeting your questions by mentioning @LoyarBurok and using the hashtag #asklordbobo. What the hell are you waiting for? Hear This, and Tremblingly Obey (although trembling is optional if you are somewhere very warm)! Liberavi Animam Meam! I Have Freed My Spirit!

You can read archives of all the Ask Lord Bobo columns by clicking here. These are the divinely-inspired words of His Supreme Eminenceness Lord Bobo Barnabus PhD SP GBE OMGWTFBBQ.

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Ask Lord Bobo is a weekly column by LoyarBurok where all your profound, abstruse, erudite, hermetic, recondite, sagacious, and other thesaurus-described queries are answered! It is the ONLY place that His Supreme Eminenceness' thoughts are regularly channeled, via His Lordship's most loyal meditating purple-banana munching minions.

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