Ask Lord Bobo: Santa Claus & Glamorous Human Rights Lawyers


From the Selangor Times Issue 5, 24-26 December 2010. Ask Lord Bobo is a weekly column by LoyarBurok where all your profound, abstruse, erudite, hermetic, recondite, sagacious, and other thesaurus-described queries are answered! You can view the entire paper at the end of this post, and download a pdf of the entire paper here.

This week, Ask Lord Bobo answers questions on the Whistleblower Protection Act, glamorous human rights lawyers, and the existence of Santa Claus!

What’s your take on the Whistleblower Protection Act? @j_stratslinger, via Twitter

Any Malaysian who wishes to blow a whistle should have to do so at his own risk. That is because whistles can be annoying if used in a loud or distracting manner, for example, while conducting open heart surgery, or in a library. Such Malaysians should consider blowing other things like flutes, French horns, didgeridoos, or balloons. Speaking of balloons, we’ve noticed that balloons these days tend to be made out of thin, smelly rubber — what are these, recycled tayar celup?

But if you’re into the Whistleblower Protection Act, then it’s a different matter altogether. This is a law which came into force on 15 December 2010 (as opposed to blowing the whistle which existed since the time of whistles) and is designed to protect people who want to make a confidential complaint against a public officer. The complainant is called the whistleblower (and not the blower of whistles). The term “public officer” covers anybody in government including judges and members of parliament.

The significance of this Act is that it provides protection to the information disclosed as well as the whistleblower and anybody related or associated with him, except his pets, and his in-laws. Don’t think about messing with a whistleblower because it’ll cost a maximum fine of RM 100,000.00 and a maximum imprisonment of 15 years (prison sodomy not included). So what are you waiting for? Stop blowing your whistle and get whistleblowing already!


My Lord, what is crossing the line between lawyers genuinely fighting for “human rights” or just “gila glamour”? @babychats, via Twitter

Line? There is no line. Human rights lawyers have to fearlessly face an unsympathetic judiciary, oppressive police force and Orwellian Government. These lawyers are His Lordship’s lowly minions, subject to the pain of His whip and made to run helter skelter like headless chickens.

Go liberate that reporter incarcerated for her own protection under the ISA. Interview those arrested for wearing black tee shirts while they were milling around the Tree of Democracy. Use your tongue to scratch that itch south of His Supreme Eminence’s back while juggling this year’s 10 volumes of Malayan Law Journal and dancing the polka to Nine Inch Nails’ “Happiness In Slavery”. All these for minimal pecuniary return.

The only upside is the chance that fame will come along. Only those crazy for glamour (and who cannot think of any other way to get it) would contemplate such a lifestyle. Waitaminute, no, only those who are crazy, period! And who love monkeys.

Lord Bobo, does Santa Claus exist? @j_rubis, via Twitter

Santa Claus exists. Any ‘dungu’ who thinks otherwise should be detained without trial at His Lordship’s pleasure for harbouring deviant beliefs that threaten national security (or business profits from Christmas shopping, which is the same thing, really). What is the proof that he exists? The infamous Albert Camus said “I rebel, therefore I am.” Existence can only be proven by the things that we do, and not by the things that is based on pure belief. If the existence of God can be proven by enlisting the things God has indeed done; the only plausible conclusion is that there is a God. And so, what has Santa Claus done?

Since time immemorial, Santa has been trespassing private property and invading chimneys to give free toys and food to needy orphans all over the world. He even owns a toy factory, which due to the rise of capitalism is now disguised under the name Toys R Us. His influence is so widespread that he has successfully induced companies worldwide to temporarily repudiate their profit making nature and emulate him by handing out free gifts during Christmas. Brilliant, eh?

Considering the colour of his costume and his beard ala Karl Marx, Santa might just be a closet social democrat.

Perhaps the biggest proof of his existence is the spirit that he has instilled in each and every one of our hearts in this festive season. A spirit that warms us up from within and makes us remember our families, kindness, comfort, love and peace. In line with this spirit, His Lordship wishes you all a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Although Lord Bobo already knows your question before you even knew you had a question, as a practical display of your true desire to have your query answered, His Supreme Eminenceness has graciously allowed you to communicate your questions by -

  • emailing [email protected], stating your full name, and a pseudonym if you wish the question to be published anonymously (and a good reason for anonymity).
  • tweeting your questions by mentioning @LoyarBurok and using the hashtag #asklordbobo.

The first 100 questions published will receive LoyarBurok’s ONLY merchandise you ever need (worth a lot for humankind) courtesy of Selangor Times. Now, what the hell are you waiting for? Hear This and Tremblingly Obey (although trembling is optional if you are somewhere very warm)! Liberavi Animam Meam! I Have Freed My Spirit!

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Ask Lord Bobo is a weekly column by LoyarBurok where all your profound, abstruse, erudite, hermetic, recondite, sagacious, and other thesaurus-described queries are answered! It is the ONLY place that His Supreme Eminenceness' thoughts are regularly channeled, via His Lordship's most loyal meditating purple-banana munching minions.

Posted on 26 December 2010. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0.

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2 Responses to Ask Lord Bobo: Santa Claus & Glamorous Human Rights Lawyers

  1. I posted something else earlier that wasn't allowed under Ka Ea's article 'It Gets Better'. Is there any way to corroborate what I posted? Do you personally know anything about what I posted? Can the posted issue be considered under the Whistler's Act (also Wolfcall Act if any) if evidence or even intent is circumspect and non-tangible? Any reply appreciates (would be appreciated also).

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