[Updated] LoyarBurok Goes Hard Print: Ask Lord Bobo & Win Our ONLY Merchandise!

Yes! LoyarBurok has gone hard print, with the debut of its first ever print column “Ask Lord Bobo” in a new weekly community newspaper with a circulation of 100,000, the Selangor Times (which you can read more about here). Check out the first Ask Lord Bobo, reproduced below, and send in your questions!

[Update: You can now download a pdf of the full first edition of the Selangor Times, 26-28 November 2010, here, or view the entire paper at the end of this post.]

ASK LORD BOBO

“Ask Lord Bobo” will be a regular column by LoyarBurok, where all your questions about everything from law to lawlessness, politics to semantics, relationships to overpriced underwater ships, high-fashion to powerful women with big hair, and other profound, abstruse, erudite, hermetic, recondite, sagacious, and other thesaurus-described queries are answered!

And what better way to kick off this god-damned series than by answering Lord Bobo’s own questions about ourselves?

What is LoyarBurok^TM? The Emergence.

Simple. As any self-respecting, sexual Malaysian would know, “loyarburok” = noun, colloquialism: someone who is full of hot air; one who enjoys to talk a lot about things that serve no useful purpose.

But TODAY, LoyarBurok (TM at that!) is more than that. 4 Years. > 800 Posts. > 7500 Comments. > 4000 Tags. > 34 Categories. > 1000s of Spam. > 180 LoyarBurokkers (and counting). 1 Lord Bobo. 1 Cause.

LoyarBurok is a blawg (blog + law) with a great vision to provide a forum for everyone with an interest in anything and who do not wish to take themselves too seriously –

1. to pontificate (with their tongues firmly lodged in their cheek) on frivolous issues such as those concerning the state of the world, human rights, government, legal profession, judicial system; and more weighty and important matters such as movies, theatre, food, travel, books, music and anything else which comes to tickle their awesome minds in a manner that is provocative, amusing, entertaining, insulting (when they feel like it) and pretty damn ingenious;
2. to create awareness and activism on issues of concern such as to help redress violations of human and animal rights, and to seek improvements in the way they order and structure their lives (yes, great ambitions indeed); and
3. to generally shoot their mouths off about anything they like, provided it is done with sufficient pomposity, verbosity and general malapropism to ensure at least one person reading it shakes his/her head in disgust, wonder, amazement, awe or/and bewilderment (hopefully, it all happens at the same time).

Who the hell is Lord Bobo? Yes. Lord Bobo.

FUNDAMENTAL MISTAKE. Rule 1: Never ask who Lord Bobo is. Even if Lord Bobo is purportedly asking the question. Lord Bobo is not us. We are not Lord Bobo. And watch your language when you do speak of Lord Bobo. Address the Lord as “His Supreme Eminenceness”.

Errr… ok, so why should His Supreme Eminenceness be obeyed?

Let us start here. LoyarBurok is led in its quest for global domination by an ingenious simian General Chief Editor named Lord Bobo Barnabus, The Wonder Typewriting Monkey, who exists solely in cyberspace.

Lord Bobo was kidnapped in infancy for a brutal and secret experiment held in Siberia sometime in the 1990s to reproduce the works of Shakespeare with several hundred other simians from various descents with only three typewriters. After several diligent years of producing original drafts of a play that came extremely close in artistic integrity and vision to Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Lord Bobo’s almost completed final draft was destroyed in a violent riot caused by the other simians during an escape bid.

With nothing left to hold Lord Bobo back after the destruction of His masterpiece, He managed to escape from the simian gulag. After a great deal of trouble, Lord Bobo found himself in a small corner of cyberspace where shortly after His arrival, He was able to mind control various homo sapiens with His awesome powers of telepathy that He managed to develop in the gulag, into writing and contributing to this god-forsaken blawg.

Typical of the His Supreme Eminenceness’ munificence, Lord Bobo has now agreed to answer questions for this blessed newspaper. For FREE!

Who is a LoyarBurokker^TM, and how do I become one?

Ever since Lord Bobo Barnabus established LoyarBurok and more so since the release of the ONLY LoyarBurok Tee, the importance of this question has grown in size, importance and relevance to the citizens of not just Malaysia, but the world.

One does not need to be legally qualified to be a LoyarBurokker (or an “LBkker” as we refer to each other in the company of our kind). This is because LoyarBurokness draws its legitimacy and strength from Lord Bobo Barnabus and the natural awesomeness of fellow LoyarBurokkers. Importantly, a LoyarBurokker is not regulated by the Bar Council or the Legal Profession Act. LoyarBurokkers range from, among others, academics, accountants, activists, actors, actresses, bankers, conservationists, doctors, divers, drama kings and queens, engineers, fathers, lawyers, mothers, photographers, pupils, students, teachers, the unemployed and writers.

How does one become a LoyarBurokker? Simple, really.

• It is a state of mind.
• It is your armour, shield and sword.
• The moment you speak up and be counted, you are a LoyarBurokker.
• The moment you challenge wanton power, you are a LoyarBurokker.
• The moment you find the courage to face down corruption and evil, you are a LoyarBurokker.
• The moment you become impervious to fear or favour, you are a LoyarBurokker.
• The moment you contribute to the LoyarBurok cause (and have fun doing it!), whether in the battlefield of courtrooms, the corridors of power or on the minefields of the internet, you are a LoyarBurokker.
• The moment you feel with a lightness of heart and quickness of mind, you are a LoyarBurokker.
• The moment you Ask Lord Bobo something, you are a LoyarBurokker.
• And once you slide that LoyarBurok Tee (the ONLY Tee you will ever need, and which we will be giving away via this column in the near future) on, you are once and forever a LoyarBurokker (don’t live to regret it!?).

What do LoyarBurokkers do for LoyarBurok?

LoyarBurokkers love the world, earth and themselves, and some, God too. LBkkers are open, purpose-driven, organic, collaborative, empowered, connected, diverse, responsive and growing. Besides seeking to dominate earth, a new Malaysian Centre for Constitutionlism & Human Rights (a.k.a. the LoyarBurok Rakyat Centre) is in the process of being established as a research and training hub (a.k.a. “madrasah”) to educate and empower the people.

Legal support in matters of public interest is being provided by the LoyarBurok Defence Team. A publication and merchandising arm is opening another frontier. If you wish to know more, support us or have a relationship with us, email [email protected]. We will not reply if you are SB.

I want in! How do I make Lord Bobo aware of my questions?

Obviously you have not been following properly. Lord Bobo is omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent, and omniomni. His Supreme Eminenceness already knows your question before you even knew you had a question.

But, as a practical display of your true desire to have your query answered, and a portend for things to come, Lord Bobo has graciously opened two channels of communication through which you can communicate your questions:

• You can email your questions to [email protected], stating your full name, and a pseudonym if you wish the question to be published anonymously (and giving a good reason why you are using a pseudonym).
• You can tweet your questions by mentioning @LoyarBurok and using the hashtag #asklordbobo.

The first 100 questions published will receive LoyarBurok’s ONLY merchandise you ever need (worth a lot for the humankind) courtesy of Selangor Times. Lord Bobo welcomes brickbats, gifts, flowers, chocolates, Government contracts, beer, money, book vouchers, your articles and the like. If you would like to write for LoyarBurok the blawg, email [email protected]. We will not respond if you are not good enuff.

Now, what the hell are you waiting for? Hear This And Tremblingly Obey (although Trembling is optional if you are somewhere very warm)!

Liberavi Animam Meam! I Have Freed My Spirit!

Ask Lord Bobo – Terms & Conditions

By writing in with your question, you agree to comply with the following terms and conditions. If you do not agree, or find none of the terms and conditions the least bit funny, then you should immediately withdraw your question. To all those who agree to the terms and conditions, LoyarBurok welcomes you warmly.

Disclaimers

Nothing in this column is legal advice. Find and pay for your own lawyer if you have a legal problem.

We bear no responsibility to you whatsoever at all (that means nada, zip, zilch) for any loss you suffer because you rely on anything at all in this column. We’re unreliable – look at the name of “LoyarBurok” for heaven’s sake.

Your Freedom

LoyarBurok encourages, promotes and supports freedom of information, speech, expression, opinion and thought in accordance with international human rights norms. If LoyarBurok feels that your questions are inappropriate or offensive or malicious or just plain inadequate, we have the absolute right not to reply or publish the same. We are under no obligation to assign any reason(s) for our decision(s).

You agree that any and all questions, comments, messages, postings, data, suggestions, creative ideas, designs, concepts, product suggestions and other items or materials disclosed, submitted or offered (“Contributions”) to LoyarBurok through this column shall be treated as non-confidential and not proprietary and shall become, and remain, property of LoyarBurok. Such disclosure, submission or offer of the Contributions shall constitute a full assignment to LoyarBurok of all rights, title and interests in all copyrights and other rights in the same, if any.

LoyarBurok is, and shall be, under no obligation to maintain any Contributions in confidence (and may reproduce the same anywhere), to pay to anyone any compensation for or in connection with the use of any Contributions or to respond to any Contributions. LoyarBurok may edit the Contributions for any reason that we see fit without assigning any reason(s) even if requested to do so.

The judgment of LoyarBurok in these matters is final and will be exercised without cause, notice, apology, explanation or compensation.

Intellectual Property Rights

All intellectual property rights in the logo, device LoyarBurok and its derivatives or in the animated caricature of Lord Bobo Barnabus, The Wonder Typewriting Monkey, are the property of LoyarBurok.

Except for the above rights, all other material may be copied, distributed, displayed and performed under the following conditions:

1. You must attribute the work by identifying it as originating from “LoyarBurok”.
2. You may not use the work for commercial purposes.
3. If you alter, transform, or build upon the work, you may distribute the resulting work only under a license identical to this one.

Governing law

These terms and conditions shall be governed under the laws of England, without regard to its conflict of law principles. Any dispute arising under these terms and conditions shall be resolved exclusively by arbitration under ICC Rules in Switzerland or the Bahamas by a quorum of 3 affordably priced human rights activists. Proceedings are to be conducted in Kelantanese Malay.

Before commencing any form of legal action whatsoever, you agree that whether you win or lose, you will pay for the legal fees and travel expenses to/from Malaysia of LoyarBurok and its LoyarBurokkers to enable them to be present at the above tribunals.

Miscellaneous

These terms and conditions are subject to changes from time to time without notice, at the unfettered discretion of LoyarBurok, and which shall take effect immediately upon the posting of the modified terms and conditions. Your continued patronage of this column is your approval of these terms and conditions even if you may not have read the same or if they do not appear regularly in the column.

General whimsical disclaimers

The pervasive use of the English Language in this column does not in anyway tantamount to the endorsement of past colonial rule by the British of Malaysia.

Any intelligent/great/superb/sublime/genius-quality idea is to be attributed to His Supreme Eminenceness, Lord Bobo Barnabus, The Wonder Typewriting Monkey, General Chief Editor, even though it may be expressed by the LoyarBurokkers, as it is very likely that Lord Bobo had transmitted that idea by telepathy to the relevant LBkker. Any suggestion, idea or proposal that is not of such quality is the sole and personal view or opinion of the LBkker.

Happy LoyarBurokking!